The stroke of inconvenience.
I would like to tell you that I fixed my eyes on Jesus and was filled with the peace that passes all understanding. It was unexpected and I was terrified, I had an overwhelming sense of fear and I cried every day. One of the last MarkMaker posts was on perfect love casting out all fear and how the Lord is always available… I thought I knew what fear was! …but then I was lying in a hospital bed, wondering why I couldn't stand up or use my left hand and if the power would return. What was actually wrong with me and when could I go home and resume my life?
Reflecting on it now, I realise that my vulnerability, the unfamiliarity of a hospital ward, not being able to have visitors and the frustration of not being able to do anything for myself, combined to feed my fear. Those of you who have been in hospital know the length of days. It felt like a parallel universe, so I slept to escape reality and because I was experiencing a new level of exhaustion. I listened to messages on TBN and our Spotify playlist entitled ‘hope’ - full of praise and worship. I prayed with faith smaller than a mustard seed that I would be healed and get out of the hospital as soon as possible!
A few days before the stroke I had changed my phone screen saver to Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I kept looking at it and thought about our blog posts and how we had shared so confidently about the Lord’s goodness in our lives. I began to realise the weight of words, could I not just have faith in God but really TRUST Him in this?
So, did I subject myself to a position of fear? Yes. Max Lucado says that fear can make us forget... it's not that I forgot to remember that the Lord had never let me down, it's that I didn't have the strength to believe it for myself at that moment…someone texted the verse from 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind”, but still I felt fearful. This is why I needed the love, faith, prayers and words of encouragement from my family and friends. In fact, this was a powerful ‘weapon’ in the fight over my fear. A friend reminded me of the paralysed man in Mark chapter 2: “Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralysed man, “Son, your sins are forgiven”. He was lowered to Jesus through a roof, the friends dug the hole (prayers) and it was their faith that healed him; she said the battle was not mine and that she, and others, would fight on my behalf. This was a significant lesson and an encouragement to those of you who pray...grab the moment and just do it, call someone up and pray or leave a prayer voicemail, the prayer in faith demonstrates love. Never underestimate the power of encouragement through a text, voicemail, video message, card or letter. We, the MarkMakers want to be that for you. We don't want our experiences to be wasted...and so our desire is to share with you how the Lord is faithful and can be relied upon. He is always working in our lives, even if we can't see it. There may be unexpected trials but as we have said they are not unexpected to Him.
Another ‘weapon’ in my war against fear was praise, in fact, it still is. On our journeys to work we created a ‘Divine playlist’, these are songs that bring us into God's presence, acknowledge His power, remind us of His goodness, and give us hope. Can I encourage you to do that? The Lord deserves praise and there are countless times in the Old Testament when it was the praise of His people that brought them victory. Isaiah 61:3 says that the Lord will “provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendour.” I love the song ‘Surrounded’ by Michael W Smith, it reminds me that although it might look like I'm surrounded by fear, doubt etc... I am actually surrounded by the Lord of heaven's armies. This moved me to read 2 kings 6:16-17 “Don’t be afraid!” Elisha told him. “For there are more on our side than on theirs!” And Elisha prayed, "Open his eyes, LORD, so that he may see." Then the LORD opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha”. When I can’t fight for myself, the battle belongs to the Lord!
Staring at a hospital ceiling, unable to get out of bed I had to surrender to the Lord. Could I believe that the Lord was still sovereign in all circumstances, and still loved me, despite what it looked like or felt like? One of our favourite songs, ‘Here Again’ by Elevation worship was on loop through my headphones as it described my situation: “can't go back to the beginning, can't control what tomorrow will bring. but I know here in the middle is a place where you promise to be. I'm not enough unless you come. Will you meet me here again?”. The lyric “I’m not enough unless you come! All I want is all you are” is still embedded as a prayer in my mind.
So with the prayers of the righteous (James 5:16), and the weapon of praise I am now sitting on my sofa, two months after the stroke, making a great recovery! Looking back, the Lord was in control. During the three weeks in Antrim and Whiteabbey hospitals, He provided specific nurses, doctors, family and friends to take care of me and keep me going. The Lord is gracious; I saw my post-stroke CT scan yesterday and I can tell you that it could have been so much worse. I know that through all of it the Lord is trustworthy, His word is true and there is a purpose. I told my stroke psychologist that this experience will not be wasted, and by that I mean I will not have gone through this dark, difficult season for nothing...I will be well and The Lord will have His glory.
There are so many lessons from this stroke, least of all, that claiming any sort of control over my life is pointless. Where does that leave me? ...with months of recuperation ahead and work and university delayed. This has been a stroke of inconvenience, but again, we are at a point of surrender. The Lord is calling us both to spend more time with Him, to enjoy His presence and begin a dialogue to hear what He wants to say.
The MarkMakers note to self: “And we know all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.”
Here Again- Elevation Worship https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9UbTjlWFZw
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