I’d often heard my Dad say “Praise is the vehicle in which God gives Himself to us.”
The thing is, until you’ve had an experience of that in your own life nothing anyone can say will be able to tell you exactly what that means. It is like experiencing a little piece of heaven.
Growing up in a christian home, praise was not something I was unfamiliar with, however for the majority of my life, I had misunderstood its purpose. To me, it was everything we could bring to God, almost as if he was a self righteous God who needed us to tell Him continuously how great He was. And the worst part is, when you don’t realise how great He is, it can often seem like a complete waste of time. Thankfully for me, the Lord, in His grace, changed my heart and opened my eyes.
I will never forget the day I physically experienced the most overwhelming outpouring of God’s love and strength in my life. It was the day my Mum’s coffin came home to the house.
It was a Sunday morning in early January, just over 48 hours since the unexpected phone call that changed my life forever. The sudden death of my Mum. I remember consciously thinking the Christmas before that I was happier than I had ever been. Life was great, my loved ones were all together, I had an amazing husband, a beautiful son and God had blessed me with a great job. I was so happy and so comfortable: in fact, with a backbone as strong as the one I had, I was unbreakable- that is until the phone call came that my backbone was gone.
Now, here I was standing in the hallway of Mum’s house waiting to go into the living room and see her confined to a box. I felt sick. I had no point of reference for this moment in my life. I’m not sure I even understood what was happening or how significant this moment was. The only person who could’ve consoled me or helped me process and manage a situation like this was the one who was missing.
I would love to say I walked into the room full of the joy of the Lord and knowing that he was in full control, but I was the opposite. I walked in, looked at her……and I fell apart. What was I even looking at? I recognised the figure but was overwhelmed by the stillness, the lifelessness, the absence of Mum. She was the life and soul of our family, the glue that held us together and the fount of love from which we all drank.
I wanted to be a source of strength for my family, but I had nothing to give… I was broken, I was angry and I was empty. I had lost my first joy! Because that’s what she was. The first to make me smile, the first to give me hope, the first to be proud of me for being me. And now she is gone.
I was suddenly being confronted in reality with what had always been my biggest fear. In that moment I felt that I could neither physically nor emotionally cope and I would have to run away. It was just then that the music began to play.
My Dad, the Godliest man I know, in his broken state, had gone to the only well from which he could draw strength. At the piano, he began to praise. At first not singing, just playing, but then a voice began to sing. It was my husband- the melody was “In Jesus name, we’ll press on.” Surely not I thought- at this time? Why on earth would we offer praise right now? What did we have to give? Well, I for one had nothing.
And then we did the last thing any of us would’ve expected to do, we joined Dad around the piano. In what started as the most horrendous sound of weeping and wailing, the Lord brought a sovereign peace. The Lord met us there. The well did not fail, it was not dry. There was power in the name of Jesus. One song merged into the next and before we knew it we were singing, “If he carried the weight of the world upon his shoulder, I know my brother that he will carry you. There is no sorrow too deep, God cannot soothe it.” I remember feeling in that moment, the Lord was touching earth with the presence of heaven. The voices were not our own, the strength was not our own, because we weren’t on our own. The God of heaven was there. I understood in that moment, in that overwhelming feeling, the power of praise- it is what connects heaven and earth- this is the “vehicle” Dad had always talked about. There was comfort in that moment, there was hope. As long as we stayed in the presence of the almighty God, I felt held. And that was it: in that moment, without realising, I was lifted by the arms of everlasting love and carried.
Along with my 4 siblings, we prepared and made tributes to Mum at the funeral. My Dad brought the final address. It was to my surprise that he told the congregation that the Lord had prepared his heart for this tragedy. For the months preceding her unexpected death, he had felt a darkness descend over him. He felt he was being prepared for death, but he thought the death was his own. He had told no one. I’ll never forget him saying that over the past week the Lord had drawn him to the passage from 1 Kings 17, where Elijah asks the widow to give him the oil she had, she replied “Do you not know this is a day of death for us?” What she had was so little, yet in faith she gave it to Elijah. What brought us around the piano that day? In all honesty, I think I would’ve just done anything to get out of the room where Mum lay, but I now know, it wasn’t by chance that we all gathered. The Lord called us to come and bring the little drop of oil we had to Him. Our heavenly father inclined His ear to hear the cries of His children and when we had lost our earthly comforter, He became our comforter, and as we offered our last to Him, He poured out a new oil.
Has it been easy since then? No! Anything but, at times I have been and still am a complete mess. But what have I learnt from this experience? That in the brutal reality of loss...“Praise is the vehicle in which God gives himself to us”
Psalm 147 v 2 says “He heals the broken hearted and he binds up their wounds.”
In biblical times and still in some cultures today oil is used for healing: but the healing isn’t necessarily instant. The verse promises that He will heal the broken hearted and the wounds which can be deep, will be held and protected until they are well.
I cannot begin to describe the impact that the sudden severance from Mum had on my life, my character and my relationships with others. I can’t begin to describe to you what she meant to me. I am still in search of the words. It is a trauma that I know will stay with me and that I will battle with for the rest of my life. I lost a part of myself that day.
So where am I now? Over four years on? Well, I’m in a process. My journey of grief is not over, I’m not sure it ever will be. Today, I am changed...do I have moments when I feel overwhelmed with sadness? Yes, of course, but my Mum is with Jesus, I know she sees me and wants me to keep going. My desire is that my life points to Him, just as hers did!
I want praise to be my daily weapon of choice.
Our trouble is the devil is also aware of the power of praise and will do everything he can to stop us from bringing it. He does not want it to be your weapon in the battle. But know this, when it is, no matter how little you have to bring, the Lord will meet you and fill you again.
Mum was my first joy, but she was not my last: and the joy of the Lord which I possess cannot be taken. For joy is not the absence of suffering, it is the presence of God, and like Paul “I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” (Romans 8:38.)
Still I Will Praise (feat. Bianca Rose) (Live at Burgess Barn) (Radio Edit) (Live) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMsYMXQezrY
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